Please help me to elaborate more and add the thesis statement. And please focus more on the horror effect and roles of the sound and music. My topic is focusing on the horror genre. Here are some feedback from my supervisor.
1. Some of your sentences are too short; e.g. It is a critical aspect existing for many years.
2. You need to give examples of your arguments as evidence. For example, in ‘Composers and sound designers incorporate psychology and technical mastery to develop an atmosphere of perpetual danger using audio effects. ‘you can talk about the theme from “Jaws” that increases in tempo as the shark approaches the swimmer.
3. Your Introduction doesn’t mention horror until the last line. You need to introduce it earlier, for example by claiming that sound and music are vital components of the horror experience, and giving some evidence, such as famous horror music such as the Jaws theme and horror sounds such as the screams in Hitchcock’s shower scene in Psycho.
4. Your Introduction has an outline in the final sentence, but it does not have a thesis. Without a thesis your essay is just description, and not original or creative.
5. using sub-headings in your essay, and these would make your structure clearer. Paragraphs 2 – 6, and the last body paragraph, in your essay are quite theoretical, and can be improved by giving specific examples of films and games. This would boost your credibility as a writer in this area by showing that you have experienced these theoretical ideas